(no subject)

threw this together back in April.

things didn't quite work how i planned. time to start making things happen

or not. mostly not. because i won't ever change & no one will ever care

(no subject)


i remember being constantly angry & confused for then. i also saw you fall right with me.

driving back to the shack we called a place to rest our heads. but never a home

i glanced & saw an attractive figure. I think to myself my my what a handsome fellow.

turns out that fellow had a familiar face & a tell tale motion.

it was you. pulled over. car still & newly broken. overpass above you

phone on face & anguish fired in your eyes.

I felt a tinge of remorse for lusting over a person I had no idea was actually you.


(no subject)

lets get personal for a second....its been a while

1. A few years ago i hit a vulture with my windshield.it was so funny to hear it slide on the glass. I saw it flying really slow and low. i slowed down to about 10 mph and bumped it. it survived but was flying lower after the encounter.

2. in high school i was called in countless times to the guidance office my senior year, they thought i was going to kill everyone. not true..well maybe a few. thing is i wanted to smack a different perspective of art in my art teachers brain.

3. i am almost certain i had a form of misanthrope as a child.

4.i didn't find out i could not view the world properly until drivers ed class. after that eye test my life changed. after that i now knew why i couldn't focus in school. why didn't they treat it sooner

5. i used to suffer from insomnia. i would draw, paint, and read for hours until the sun came up and then zone during the day. zombified

6. ive owned a mandolin for years and i still can't bring myself to play it. i am too afraid i can never get it to sound like the music in my head.

7. i road tripped after i graduated to the mountains of nc in a really shitty nissan 81' i believe. that is when i found a band that would be the highlight of my life for years. avetts

8. i can't swim. i can float...well not really i mostly sink

9. a lot of times when i am quiet i am thinking way too fast and when i do speak the words get jumbled because my brain is over processing and over analyzing

10. ive always wanted to be a cat. no lie. i still do.

12. i used to live in clutter and chaos...now a days if my environment gets to crazy...i go temporarily insane.

13. growing up people thought i was stuck up. but i had no way to talk to other kids. i was reading above my grade level and when i used bigger words no one would understand me.

14. i have tried adderall once. and it calmed me down and i was quieter then ever. scary

15. my memory is the worst ever. i forget things constantly. faces/people/places

16. my decision to get into photos was based on a birthday present a few years ago. prior to that i had absolutely no interest. i am always open to building more skills atm but laziness always wins

17. growing up and living in the same spot for 19 years has given me severe cabin fever. if i live in one place for more than 2 months i start freaking out, i have to be in a different place.

18. ive driven thousands of miles to see a handful of bands multiple times. my car is now telling me "fuck you". yeah sorry car for also driving to ca. btw you were asking for it you red demon

19. i have ping ponged the idea of joining in the armed forces. sometimes i think i need that stability and i need a challenge. i have a mighty need to do things that people tell me i can't do. but signing my soul away isn't quite it....well not yet anyways

20. in regards to the future. i never plan for it. most of my decisions are made on impulse, luck and uncontrollable forces.....mostly uncontrolled by lord vader

21. i own too many clothes and i don't like any of them. shopping has become a chore...im trying to make it fun again

22. i used jthm as a guide for growing up. humn i wonder how that had an affect on me

23. i always thought if i did kill someone i could never do it while they were eating...it would seem like such a waste

24. i had to stay at the dinner table until i finished every thing on my plate...i would be there for hours mostly just daydreaming an writing in my head. my belly gets full quickly and food gets boring.

25. if you scratch my back...i will love you forever



lets keep tabs.

finished photo school.

jobless for months.

trying a tender hearted relationship.

letting go.

having to let go.

moved to los angeles.

got cs job that turned into photo.

slowly alienated everyone.

looking for new job.

searching for something...but never knowing what it is
but as long as i am searching i feel like i am getting things accomplished

(no subject)

yay!....hello eljay!..i have abused this thing....


I have had some of the most stressful times ever in my life...i have so much shit going on right now....i am gonig crazy...i really need to fucking relax on break...oh and guess the fuck what....road trip!....i asked a few kids if they were interested...and they all had family things to do...except an instructor of mine...he was way to up for it...it was a little scary....and i think he is married...i barely ever never talk to him and he overheard me asking amanda...i don't know...so i guess on this rt i don't have to pay for gas and we are taking his car?...idk I am a little unsure about this....oh and the fucking avettbros at charlotta!....if i am back for new years i will be there....but he was talking about staying in NYC but....umn...no...I don't want to die....oh and mandola and mandolins....four shows in nc...i am at everyone of them.....I am still in danger of not being able to go to class next sem...and if i don't i will have to work...that will kill my mando plans....i really want this to be over with...i am pretty damn sure that the only people that make it through this program and super fucking dedicated
other than that i have no more time ahhhh